Thursday, July 19, 2007

Jimmy Jone Issue #7


So, Jimmy and the gang have had their first day of classes...so now what? Get ready for action-packed hijinks in this month's issue of Jimmy Jone the 9/10 boy! And just so you know, that guy above's name is Marty.

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Monday, July 9, 2007

Ninjas vs. Vampires

We here at DoR like to watch old sci-fi films and just laugh at how much stuff they got wrong. In most cases, it's because the writers were just so absurdly off in guessing how things would be in the future. Flying cars? Puh-leez. A paperless office? Yeah, right.

In other cases, we're laughing because roughly 20% of all sci-fi movies is crap we made up. We get really drunk, and it becomes one of the most hilarious things in the world to go back to 1986 and start telling people that you'll someday be able to use trash to fuel cars, or that people wear double neckties.

But I was watching the Matrix the other day, and there was something correct that managed to slip through. It was probably Rufus's fault--I don't think he gets that we're supposed to be spreading B.S. Remember that thing where they'd sit in a chair and jiggle around alot while new skills--like riding motorcycles or karate or making the perfect flan--were uploaded into their brains? We've got something pretty similar, minus the whole hole in your neck because robots took over the world (which we're trying to stop, remember?). It turns out that all of Steve Jobs's work with Apple was just a huge masterplan. Once every person on Earth (and Planet Rico-7) owned an iPod, they all automatically created a direct link to the wearer's brain. The Bluetooth technology in them ultimately created a worldwide (or wo-wi-fi, as we call it) collective consciousness. The recently re-animated clone of Carl Jung was, to say the least, thrilled. Everybody else griped about it for a few days, but then got over it.

Did this achieve world peace, you ask? Not really. For months afterwards, fights of all sizes broke out, all preceded by the war cry "You think I'm a what?" It took most people years to learn to guard their private thoughts from others. It did help get dates for guys who were too shy to ask, though. Did it speed up the communication of different ideas and help us finally achieve a shared reality we could all believe in? Not even. Most people just set their iPod playlists to hear only scientific knowledge, or Christian beliefs, or whatever the case might be.

The main thing, though, is that everyone on Earth after that point in time has ninja skills. I'm sure you can all imagine what Earth would be like (and please feel free to in the comments!), but the thing that no one expected is that mosquitos died out. Humans have such cat-like reflexes now that no mosquito can even think about blood without getting slapped. And since only pregnant mosquitos suck blood...it's pretty simple, right? 2099 saw the first ever mosquito-free summer, which was enjoyed by everyone except for the citronella candle and bug repellent industries, as well as interstate gas station owners who make half of their annual profit off of those "Mississippi's State Bird: The Mosquito" post cards.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

What is hip?

Sheesh, what a month. Or, rather, wasn't a month.

Last month in the future doesn't technically exist. In 2271, Vermont native Johnny Hipsash single-handedly took control of the US-Russian goverment (he lost his other hand in a boating accident). During his 45-day term, he changed the month of August to Hiptember. As if that weren't enough work for Hallmark, American-Russian Greetings, and other calendar manufacturers, Hipsash decided to make Hiptember 61 days long, eradicating the month of June in the process.

Hipsash made other...shall we say "interesting" executive decisions in his time as Hipperor (no, I'm serious) such as:

Hips were no longer called "hips"; rather, "love-handle" became the official term, enforced by the government. This fit well with the newly-sexy-grandma crowd: it was very hip (excuse the pun) to have one's love-handle replaced.

The hippo became the national bird.

His entire cabinet was made up of guys named Otis.

Lemon-meringue Tuesdays at all animal shelters (don't ask).


For generations after, the word "hippie" carried the meaning of being either authoritarian or jingoistic. What you consider "hippies" were too stoned to notice that they lost their group identity. At any rate, we for some reason never got around to changing the calendar back. Which makes it really hard to send messages back through time during the month of June. Our htm-mail chute almost always sends back the error message "Ain't no June, dunderhead".

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