Otto Sync

What you see as the unknown and unknowable future, I know to be incontrovertible history!

On this day in 2066, aging biophysics professor Nate Streuyn put the finishing touches on his last, and perhaps greatest, invention. Although Streuyn would have wished for a statelier name, his Flasher soon became a household word. The Flasher made use of the recent advances in the field of photomechano-feedback research. The technology used to make the Flasher would later take a prominent role in both astrophysics and agriculture. In the short-term, however, it found success--as well as the public's favor--as a handy after-market gadget that could be attached to any automobile. It's use? Simply to make one car's turn signal rhythm match up with that of the car in front of it. What was once thought to be a minor driving nuisance turned out to be much more: after the advent of the Flasher, "Road Rage" ceased to exist everywhere except Vermont, automobile accidents dropped 70%, and kids in the backseat no longer felt the need to scream and punch each other.

Moreover, this one change got people hooked on their appliances being in sync with their lives. By the beginning of the 22nd Century, the average person could enjoy:

• Telephones that won't let calls through until you're out of the shower and at least 78% dried off.
• Ipods which increase or decrease the tempo of the music you listen to based on how fast you're running, so your footfalls are always on the beat.
• Microwaves that actually do cook food faster when you watch them.
• Not having to read Cathy in the newspaper anymore.
  

Czar Cozy

The new French leader Sarkozy has made his first priority expanding the workweek in France. This opens the door to exploration of a new alternative fuel source that would help us wean ourselves off of oil: the French. Soon cigarette rolling and bongo beating will be at an all time high, those being the most common employment opportunities for French citizens. After more French people begin moving to the beat of mandatory poetry readings and lifting cups of espresso for a few months, the next phase of the plan will begin: tying the limbs of the French population together and connecting them to power generators in all major cities. Paris, the city of lights, will become Europe's major energy exporter.

PeeWee's Playmouse

I know what you are all thinking: how do I make my PC more like living in Pee-Wee's playhouse? Here are some things to help:
A firefox extension with secret words of the day. It screams if you go to a page with that day's word
A screen saver and wallpaper made by Cartoon Network

Jimmy Jone Issue 5

I'm posting Jimmy Jone #5 a week early because I'm going to be in Delta Quadrant 18 for the next week, and they don't allow time buggies there. If I remember correctly, the Deltons got attacked by a race of aliens who had disguised themselves as buggies. The disguise was imperfect, however--any real buggy would have that one wheel that sticks or spins around wildly.

Anyways, check out the comic. Jimmy makes a friend. And so you know, today's update is a double-header: there's a new Raju deception up.

Take me to your lawyer

On this day in 2077, Earth receives its first officially recorded visit from extraterrestrial life. Coming down in flying saucers that looked pretty much as Kenneth Arnold had described, the Martians were relatively peaceful and friendly. Their gift of the Hwnsig bird/frog finally took care of the Kudzu problem, which had turned most of the Southeastern United States into a dreadful forest that only the most toothless of hillbillies dared enter (and that was usually to try to salvage the remaining boxes of Goo-Goo clusters). With the words "I don't care who started it, I'm finishing it", the Martians removed the Gaza strip and transported it to the far-flung Yumble Nebula (incidentally, the Jews got there first and are still regarded universe-wide as the best astronomers and physicists around).

The Martian's gift of kreenx did accidentally kill the president's top advisors, wife, children, dog, Uncle Lew, his 7th grade social studies teacher, and half of Manhattan--it turns out that Martians have tougher stomach linings, who knew? The history books do tell us, however, that they were later (October 3, 2098) able to look back on what happened and laugh.

Many became angry when, on the third day of the Martians' first visit to Earth, they revealed their true motives in coming. The Martians had come to sue the estate of Steven Spielberg for copyright infringement, given their striking resemblance to E.T. They ended up making a pretty hefty chunk of change (in 2053, the U.S. government officially switched from using coins to small chunks of metal) off of merchandising, as their arrival sparked a renewed interest in classic alien films and memorabilia.

Sunkist Wacky Players, part 1

It seems that when I was younger, kids' foods were far less connected with the popular kids' media of the day. Not every product was tied to some highly recognizable pop culture character. Sure, it happened on a fairly regular basis back then--Batman breakfast cereal, Ninja Turtles pudding pies, and Mickey Mouse freezer pops, to name a few. But there seems to be much less room, or effort, these days for food companies to try out new characters for their kids' products. Instead, they'll go for the more recognizable characters from television and movies--Incredible Hulk green-colored Hershey's chocolate syrup, Spongebob Cheez-it crackers, Shrek...shoot, Shrek everything, it seems.

One of the smaller side effects is that there's a growing attrition rate among existing food characters. Wendell, of Cinnamon Toast Crunch fame, lost his pals Bob and Quello/Quienno over a decade ago; BJ of Kids' Cuisine hasn't seen his polar bear pal The Chef for quite some time now; the Cookie Crook and the Officer Crumb abandoned the Chip the Cookie Hound, who later gave up being a dog and turned into a wolf; Fruit Brute and Yummy Mummy have gone the way of the dinosaur; and when's the last time you saw the Fruit Roll-Ups Wizard? And don't get me started with the Squeezits characters.

A larger effect is that there are very few successful attempts at new and original characters for kids' food products. Okay, there was that weird Crazy Craving rat-thing for Honeycomb, but that's all I can think of at the moment (what was that thing, anyway?). My point is, I find myself longing for the days of the Sunkist Wacky Players fruit snacks, days when wholly new and unheard-of characters got their own trading cards, one per box. This was in 1990.

There were three versions of the Sunkist Wacky Players: baseball, football, and basketball. Each featured shaped fruit snacks of a number of zany characters. The baseball cards were drawn by MAD magazine artist Mort Drucker.

Homerun Harold

Ht.: 7'9"
Wgt.: 380 lbs.
Born: Meantown, USA

Highlights:
Meanest and biggest dude in the league... Uses a telephone pole as a bat because regular bats snap in his hands when he hits the ball... Longest home run struck the wing of a low flying airplane... Favorite music is heavy metal.

Brickwall Bob

Body Dimensions: 6 ft. by 5 ft.
Wgt.: Ton of Bricks
Born: Lime Stone, USA

Highlights:
With bulging eyes that rotate separately - can "look back" runners on first and third base at the same time... Personal radar system detects opponents attempting to steal base... Has never been seen off the field without his brick chest protector... Works part time for the town as a speed bump.

Walking Wally

Ht.: 3'8-3/8"
Wgt.: 53-1/2 lbs.
Born: Little Walk, USA

Highlights:
Walking Wally is too short to be pitched a strike... Strike zone is less than five inches high... Has never swung his bat in a Major League game... Shattered league record for most walks in a season, in his first 20 games... Enjoys ant farming during the off-season.

Sneaky Pete

Ht.: Unknown
Wgt.: Unknown
Born: Unknown

Highlights:
Steals bases in a blink of an eye... Leaves no traces - Sometimes leaves no bases... True identity has never been revealed - Wears mask at all times... Studies voice projection in his spare time to force pitchers to throw toward the wrong base... Once vanished completely while stealing third, and reappeared crossing the plate.

Each card also lists the player's stats, which aren't funny enough to type up. I only have half of the Wacky Players baseball cards made; the whole set consisted of eight cards. Stay tuned for later posts on both the football and basketball Wacky Players teams.