I was a Teenage Prophet

The Church of Scientology seems to be continually under fire these days--perhaps a symbolic precursor to the brimstone which many hope the church will be subjected to--and with good reason: there's a high amount of overlap between people who can afford to get their opinions broadcast to large audiences and people who can afford Scientology. We have to keep hearing about all the stupid stuff Scientology does because some celebrities keep yammering about it (now that the Nancy Cartwright robocalls are over, I'm hoping for one from Jenna Elfman doing the character Dharma). Which just reminds us that Scientology has broken into our government, charges big money for its teachings, and sells half-baked science-fiction as honest religion (I mean, Cleopatra 2525 was a way better story--even without the tits).

But let's not be too hard on them, okay? After all, the extensive defamation jobs they do on anybody who leaves/criticizes the church is nothing new--Scientology just happens to have much more money to do it with. Jehovah's Witnesses, for instance, practice "shunning", whereby church members refuse to have any contact with those who willfully leave the Witnesses.

These types of things are the mark of a religion entering its awkward teenage years, when members can be BPFs (best parishioners forever) one moment, and then be considered the most evil and base of people the next. Alliances change and shift on the basis of whatever hormone just got shot through the system.

The religion thinks that no one understands what it's going through, and that it knows better than the religions and institutions that have come before it (which function as parents and the establishment, the "Damnation Gap", if you will). It holes up in its room and doesn't want anyone knowing what it's doing in order to feel like it has achieved some semblance of independence. It pushes its parents' (society's) limits to see what it can get away with, breaking rules just to see what the punishment will be. Sometimes it gets its face all prettied up for the school dance in the form of celebrities, only to get a pimple the night before in the form of, say, Matt Lauer, or Oprah's couch.

Admittedly, older religions have some advantages. There aren't as thorough a record of their beginnings as there is with Scientology. But more than that, older religions have had time to reflect and figure out how the world works. Right now Scientology claims that medications and psychiatry are just so much bunk and hot air. Christianity, on the other hand, has been centuries in the process of accepting what science has to say (we were pretty embarrassed about that whole helio-centric thing). They've even learned to pray for their doctors, rather than plain not go to them.

Christianity had its go at excommunication, charging people to get into heaven, keeping its writings where only priests could read them, and a few wars. But it learned to adapt, it figured out that it couldn't get away with all that crap for very long. Something would always happen--losing a war, reformations, or sex scandals--to remind them that even if they weren't of this world, they were still in it and had to deal with it.

Scientology will be here for a little while--I mean, it's only an adolescent religion, right? It still has some rough times ahead. It has yet to go through its first break-up (I imagine someone big in the religion, say Tom Cruise, John Travolta, or maybe even Kirstie Alley leaving), suffering its first huge embarrassment (hard, concrete evidence on its practices being damaging to its members mental and/or physical health), or even getting its first job (being recognized as a legitimate religion in any country).

My guess they'll probably stay there, and Scientology will remain the asshole religion, stuck in its high-school brand back-biting and clique-ishness, forever telling its members that if they're really its friend, they'll give it another $10,000. It'll keep drawing attention to itself, talking about how great it is without ever doing a damn thing to prove it.

But maybe, just maybe, if they realize that honesty and openness are crucial for a successful religion, they'll grow up. They'll be willing to engage in open dialogue with other religions and disciplines, and have enough faith in their own beliefs to not worry about them being criticized. They'll have a high enough self-esteem to not talk trash about anyone who says something bad about them. They'll look at the yearbook of history and laugh at their pimples, their hairstyles, and the antics they got up to back in the day.

Maybe.