Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Needles to say

Dr. Vernod Jammenswythe of upstate Jamaica realized, through meta- and 'pata-analysis of drug testing studies over the past 130 years, part of the true cause behind the so-called "placebo effect": namely, that the sever short-term presence of metal in the human body was able to produce substantial emotional, physical, and psychological changes. In other words, the needles used to inject drugs (medical or illegal recreational) were what made the difference. Later investigation showed that the needles themselves release small particles (named metalloids, after their discoverer, Lloyd Yorkson) which attached to wishful thinking hormones (hopetrons) released by the brain. Based on the nature of the hopetron, the metalloids would morph into whatever was needed to achieve the result desired by the needle recipient--be it a change in mental state for druggies, or cures for diseased patients.

This led to a complete overhaul of drug companies and widespread demand for lower hospital bills. Ultimately, this meant that pharmaceuticals had less money to dump into advertising, which in turn left popular periodicals wondering what to do with the 20 extra pages per issue.

This day marks the publication of the original analysis by Dr. Jammenswythe in The Lancet, August 2084.

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

I have a message from another time

Sometimes progress is impeded by simple forgetfulness.

Take, for instance, the ultimate fate of all people who had themselves cryogenically frozen; a fate which wouldn't be decided until the year 2433.

The majority of bodies frozen in hopes of future medical advancements were consolidated at a single location in northern Alaska in late 2075. This location was chosen because there were actually still a couple of glaciers left over to put the body chambers into. They lay there forgotten until the turn of the 25th century. Events to change this fact were set into motion at a festival to celebrate four hundred years of zombies on Earth, as well as to recognize the tremendous progress they had made in assimilating into the culture of the living. This was thanks in large part to the development of using stem cells to make brains for them to eat; no longer could home-owners protest zombies moving next door with the argument that they might eat little Timmy. It was during this celebration that Dr. Zank Hummel reflected on the fact that, now that re-animation was not only possible, but a thoroughly-accepted practice (Pet Sematary is banned in some countries on grounds of being an unfair and uneducated depiction of the living dead), bodies cryogenically frozen need no longer wait for medical advances.

Hummel, however, had a doctorate in sociology, and knew nothing of the medical process of re-animation. In a later conversation with his friend Dr. Nort Brenner, Brenner revealed that he had never heard of cryogenic freezing. He also embarrassed Hummel slightly by mentioning that medicine had in fact advanced to the point of being able to bring such people back and cure their diseases. Questioning of colleagues resulted in a series of blank stares and shrugged shoulders. After months of research, Brenner and Hummel discovered that the bodies placed in Alaska had not been spoken of since 2132, in a "Where are they now?" article in People magazine. (Hummel, having grown up on the island of California, had been scared to sleep as a child with traditional stories of frozen bogeymen.) Brenner and Hummel determined then to track down the hidden Alaskan cache and re-introduce the 4000-odd people back into society.

In the century preceding the now-legendary trek of Brenner and Hummel, Alaska had become somewhat of a new New York City. Not in the sense of number of people, or being a major center of commerce and art, though. Due to a mini-apocalypse in the 23rd century, Alaska had become a no-man's land, replete with burned-out cities crawling with mutants, criminals, and lowlifes. Alaska was the new New York City in the sense that it became the mainstay backdrop for all post-apocalyptic movies.

The journey of these two doctors seemed like the stuff of movies, for sure. Their run-ins with mutated Athabascans put them in constant danger, but also eventually led them to the discovery of an underground cavern where the locals worshipped the glowing freeze-chambers. There was, of course, the additional sub-plot involving Brenner's rival Dr. Rancus Greenback, who wanted to reach the frozen bodies first and claim the honor and glory. Greenback was able to convince the mutants that he was a powerful god and turn them against Brenner and Hummel. He was eventually hoisted by his own petard when the mutants realized that he had double-crossed them by signing them all up as contestants on reality shows (ugh, yes, they are still around). They turned on him and offered the freeze-chambers to Brenner and Hummel as an apology and show of good nature.

When the two doctors arrived back home, they were not greeted with cheers and surprise. Rather, the matter of whether or not to re-animate and operate on the 4000-odd persons got stuck in the court system for roughly 20 years. Would they be able to adjust to centuries' worth of changes in the world? What rights would they have? Would their descendants be required to pay for the medical operations? They would be essentially penniless; who would provide for their welfare? Would it be ethical to bring back Walt Disney? The eventual decision was to unfreeze the people and give them the chance to live unfettered by their previous physical problems, something that they had not been able to enjoy in their former lives.

There's nothing much to speak of concerning the newly thawed masses. Most of them adjusted to the 25th century pretty well and had successful careers. Disney made a couple of new films. They lived and died like normal people, which is ultimately all that they wanted.

Ironically, Dr. Zank Hummel died of frostbite in 2440.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Megathrusters are go!

Part 2 of the 2-part Jimmy Jone story "Revenge and Beer" is up today. Not only does this issue introduce four new characters, it's also the longest issue I've done so far. Pictured above, Jimmy, Stuart, and Ron re-create a classic scene from the movie "Trading Places".

Notes for this issue:
Ron is not exaggerating. At College State University, there actually is a student-run channel that plays only Mr. Rogers all day long as part of an avant-garde senior art project.
Stuart visits quality websites.
Yes, I know that's not the zipcode for Curio, AZ.
The Ghostbusters II poster belongs to neither Jimmy nor Stuart. It was there when they moved in.

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