Holy Day, Batman!

You see, in the future, we don't celebrate many of the holidays you gals (and guys) do. By 2052, the Catholic church, upset by the further secularization of religious holidays (Pentecost had been recently taken over by the general public as a mid-year kind of Spring Break, replete with its own character, Sonny Whit, who brings alcohol and cigars to children world-around), asked the secular world that, if it wouldn't respect the origins of certain holidays, to kindly celebrate them somewhen else. As a result, St. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, and St. Lincoln's Day (Abe was canonized in 2038) were moved to four days after their traditional dates.

Christmas and New Year's are an interesting story, though. After a brief theology fad from March 21 through April 4, 2063, everyone finally realized that there's a reasonable argument that Josh Christ wasn't born December 25, and that the beginning of the year is calculated solely on when old Reb BC took a little off the top. This led to total and utter disillusionment of the idea of holidays, as billions realized that there was nothing inherently special about one day as opposed to another. This, of course, pissed off thousands of children who no longer got any presents or candy (don't worry, as adults they appreciated their spectacular teeth, health, lack of materialism, and increased capacity for deep and meaningful relationships).

By 2066, just about everyone had their own holiday based on something that was personally meaningful to them or their family. Many had their origin in paying off debts, couples coming through hard times, breakthroughs during psychotherapy, or finally telling off Uncle Larry. Many waxed and waned in terms of widespread popularity, but the only one that seems to have any staying power is Dentist Eve, the one time of year where it's okay to play with all those sharp metal objects. And you get plaque candy in festive holiday shapes.