Believe it or leave it!

Hoke Phillips, 43, of Rotorback, IN, once pulled a full school bus eighteen miles--with his teeth! He was the hero of the children on the bus, which didn't arrive at the school until Saturday!

Dana Rupinski, 29, of Coquette, UT, says she can play Beethoven's Fifth--backwards--with her feet! The kicker--she can only do it on an astral plane!

Nat Nurgle, 78, a farmer in Slaglaw, OK, grew a rutabaga which bore a striking resemblance to Nancy Reagan! What's more--Nurgle claims this never would have happened if he hadn't "just said no" to a businessman who wanted to buy his farm 20 years ago!

Maggie Veener, a high school student in Silver Falls, CA, says that she has been abducted by aliens three times--in the past month! The only proof she can offer to back up her out-of-this-world tale is a hickey on her neck--in the shape of a flying saucer!

Yolanda Landau, 33, of Swingtown, NJ, caught a lake trout weighing 178 lbs--a local and national record! Her husband, Curt, felt emasculated--the lake trout he caught only weighed a mere 176 lbs!

In which the author waxes vulgar

Many of our common terms for the human sex organs have become labels and put-downs:

Dick -- jerk
Boob -- idiot
Cunt -- jerk
Weiner -- idiot/ineffective person
Chode -- jerk/idiot
Pussy -- weakling
Twat -- idiot
Pecker -- jerk
Prick -- jerk

See any trends there? Seems like anytime we want to pick on somebody for being dumb or mean, we'll throw some sort of genital slang at them. Ultimately, we're not just putting down the person--we're putting down the body parts themselves. Why do we hold in such disregard the things we try so hard to get access to?

But that's not what I came here to talk about. There's still a wealth of genital vocabulary out there, as yet unattached to any particular put-down. Now, obviously, if we leave this in the hands of the general public, these words will eventually just be used to indicate "jerk, idiot, or weakling". Think about it, folks: there are tons of other undesirable character traits that people carry around with them. Let's use the rest of our genitalia lexicon to branch out in how we put people down. Here's a starter list to get us going.

Box -- someone lacking in social skills, never gets out of the house or makes friends
Cock -- someone who's arrogant to the point of hubris
Breast -- someone who hangs around too long, and can't take a hint that they're not wanted (may work better as "third breast", along the lines of "fifth wheel")
Foreskin -- someone who surrounds themselves with possessions to cover up their inadequacies
Vagina -- someone who goes a little too far (perhaps... all the way?) with jokes, way past the point of being funny
Clam -- someone who has trouble opening up emotionally
Boner -- someone who seems only to have sex on the brain
Wang -- a moocher

It is time! Go forth! Don't walk--run! Run and hurl these epithets at the nearest offender! Create your own! Impress your friends! Depress your enemies!

Sunkist Wacky Players, part 2

Back last May, we covered the first series of Sunkist Wacky Players trading cards. These cards were included as bonuses in the Wacky Players fruit snacks boxes, and featured character drawings by MAD Magazine artists Mort Drucker and Jack Davis. Mort Drucker's caricatures have been one of the mainstays of MAD over the years. Davis is a cartoonist whose work has shown up in a number of places: MAD Magazine, advertising, and he was the guy who created the bug that screams "RAID??!" in the Raid commercials.

This second series of Football Wacky Players was accompanied by a commercial done by the Will Vinton Studios (the California Raisins guys). A brief summation of the work behind one of the commercials, as well as some screenshots, is available here.

This series also included fruit snack pieces in the shape of half of a coach's whistle. The idea was that you could glom these together and be able to use the candy as a real whistle. I remember that these pieces were aquamarine and never, ever worked as a whistle.

The following artwork was done by Jack Davis. We believe that there were nine cards in this series. Date on cards is 1990 (possibly released in 1991).



Piled-on Pete

Ht.: Varies
Wgt.: Varies
Born: Friday the 13, 1960
College: University of Hard Knocks
Acquired: Out-Patient Draft '87

Piled-on Pete has seen better days... He is always found holding on to the ball at the bottom of a big tackle - when he is found... Once had so many players on him that he wasn't found until the artificial turf was replaced... Life insurance policy has been cancelled.





Bullet Ben

Ht.: 4'8"
Wgt.: 107 lbs
Born: Cape Canaveral, Fla.
College: Air Force
Acquired: Traded as a result of the Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty

Bullet Ben can't be stopped... Using every bit of his flight school training, he rockets off above the crowd and out of the stadium on each touchdown play... Has captured the power of jet engine design and stealth technology for his aerodynamic helmet... Once ran an end-around play and ended up in South America.



Hollywood

Ht.: 6'5"
Wgt.: 215 lbs
Born: Where else?
College: Long Beach
Acquired: Auditioned, Screen Tested, and Drafted through extensive negotiations

As Quarterback, Hollywood has set new football career records... most movie offers, most scripts turned down, most electric razor commercials, etc... Once pulled off a mind boggling TD pass in the last 3 seconds of a playoff game while smiling at a cameraman and signing an autograph.




Sky-high Sly

Ht.: 9'3"
Wgt.: 165 lbs
Born: Denver, Colo.
College: Empire State
Acquired: 1st Round Draft '88

Sky High Sly is a premier cornerback who can intercept any pass thrown... A superior athlete with particularly long arms and jumping ability... Once intercepted a long bomb at the line of scrimmage, intended for 40 yds. downfield... Also an effective punt/field-goal blocker, once blocked a field-goal while at home in bed with the flu.




Coach

Ht.: Yep
Wgt.: Yep
Born: Yep
College: Yep
Player Experience: Yep

Coach is one of the best strategy men in the game... Known for his very complex plays - like the Double Trouble Slot Right End Pass Flea Flicker Stand Up Get Down Spin Around Draw Play - that lasted the entire quarter... Paces up and down the sideline wearing out turf... Never speaks during the game and communicates only in sign language... Players usually make up the plays in the huddle because they don't know what he is trying to say.

The Rules of Blog Posting

We'd like to give a great big angry fist to some of the trends we've seen in other blogs out there.

The road to blog popularity seems to follow a generally-defined path:

Stage 1 (Look, ma! A blog!): Posts either declare intent of blog or feel out territory

Stage 2 (Yup, still a blog): Rate of posts drops, but does not stop. (Many blogs peter out at this stage.)

Stage 3 (Hey, check this out): Anywhere from one to a handful of well-done posts get spread through word of mouth, readership begins to grow in trickles. Blog posts begin to show signs of acknowledging audience presence.

Stage 4 (No, really, check this out): Sufficient posting content is reached that new readers can get a fair idea of whether the blog is to their taste. New readers may find blog through Stage 3 word of mouth or through mention of blog on other blog(s) of similar interest or content.

Stage 5 (They like me, they really like me): Strong audience presence creates higher demand of posts, which begin to come at a higher rate, as the blogger is being rewarded for posting by the comments left by readers.

Stage 6 (Go forth, my henchmen, and conquer): Post rate may drop slightly, but blog has been established to the point that commenters have formed their own community.


But that's not what we're angry about. At any point in this model, the blogger can run out of steam or ideas, experience personal crises or heavy work loads, or go on vacation. These are perfectly natural occurences. The presence of an audience, however, creates a feeling of obligation in the blogger. The blogger can become scared of the audience reaction to a drop in posting (will they leave me?), or can feel that she's letting her readers down (they expect me to, I have to). This can lead a blogger to do some pretty nasty things to blog readers.

To put a check on these trends, we offer some rules for blogging:

1. Content!
2. Do not apologize for lack of posting.
3. Do not promise your readers that interesting posts are on the way.
4. Do not promise to post more regularly; if so, only to yourself.

These four are the main rules of blogging. Successfully blogging (especially in lull periods) often depends on lowering expectations and overperforming rather than raise them and underperform. And if that doesn't work, try not giving a crap about your readers' expectations and remember that the blog was for yourself (and its original audience) in the first place.

Additional rules:

5. Blogs are not a proper method for marriage proposals.
6. Personal attacks should be reserved for political blogs.
7. If post includes picture, clicking should link to larger version of picture.
8. Try not to mention Woody Allen more than once a month.
9. Blog at least once while drunk or stoned.
10. Do not inform your readers that you are "still alive". Only let them know when you die.
11. Contributions to memes should only be posted at least one year after everyone else has forgotten about them. (Jeff Goldblum is still watching you poop.)
12. If you want to blog about the Golden Girls, start a second blog. They deserve it.
13. Do not fake the funk on a nasty dunk.
14. Only do non-sequitur posts if it really works.
15. Don't be cute.
16. Those pictures of your pet dog or cat? No.
17. CAPS ARE STILL A SHORTCUT TO AWESOME, BUT ONLY IN MODERATION.
18. Don't write up rules for other blogs, especially when nobody reads yours.