We're all in the same yacht

Yes, folks, we're in a recession. Don't believe it? Well, that's probably because you're as poor as the rest of us, and didn't have any money to lose in the first place (if you're really like us, you're also likely morally bankrupt, but that's a different story). Recessions are the toughest on those who actually have money to spend: the rich. We've surveyed the fattest cats in major US cities to find out how they are currently scaling back their lifestyles.

93% have decided on giving their mistress a simple Christmas card, as opposed to a diamond necklace

85% are now lighting their cigars with $10 bills, rather than $100s

72% will downgrade from a Bugatti to a Porsche for their next auto purchase in 2009

68% are letting go of their pet's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

50% are letting go of their child's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

47% are letting go of their own butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

44% are only using their private jet to fly out-of-state

39% have not purchased a senator or congressman this year

20% have had to outsource cooking their corporation's books to India

15% have lost a close relative due to not being able to pay off the Mafia

8% have resorted to selling lower-value assets (the Mercedes, winter homes in Geneva) on eBay

4% have resorted to selling their eBay stock

<1% (namely, Pierre Omidyar and John Donahoe) decided to raise eBay listing fees by 30%