We don't have enough useless terms of measurement

Many of you out there have probably had your feminist sensibilities offended by the use of the word "balls" to indicate bravery. Such as, "I couldn't get up the balls to do it" or "Man, that was ballsy of you" or "At least she has the balls to stand up for her rights", etc.

Don't get your eggs scrambled, ladies. There's some science behind this. We are proud to present, for the first time ever, a (by no means exhaustive!) list of the amount of balls necessary for success in a variety of situations facing the typical male.

2 Balls -- stuff you can manage on your own

Going to the dentist
Voting
Wearing the loud jacket because you want to
Trying new skateboarding moves
Writing a congressman
Driving through a hard rain
Just saying "No"


4 Balls -- all it takes is one friend to give you the confidence you need

Asking for a raise
Asking for a better grade on a paper
Making the edgy joke at a party
Rafting for the first time
Playing an instrument in public
Riding a scary-looking roller coaster


6 Balls -- couple of your buds egging you on

Jumping off the rock wall that's really too high to jump from
Asking the pretty girl out
Skateboarding indoors
Making the edgy joke in mixed company
Singing in public
Drinking more than you should
Fisticuffs


8 Balls -- you risk social castration if you don't

Jumping off a rock wall into a body of water
Asking the hot girl out
Getting drunk and asking any girl out
Driving through the corn field
Pointing fireworks at each other
Chasing wildlife on foot
Team fisticuffs


The one major confounding factor is the presence of any female. The mere presence of a female will cause the typical male to perform activities requiring anywhere from 2-4 more balls than are actually present. This is a misguided attempt to prove to the female that he personally owns more than two balls, and has at least one more than any other males present.

We don't have enough useless punctuation

Many of you are no doubt familiar with the interrobang, which is a modification of the exclamation mark:


intended to add a tone of excitement to questions. It looks like this:


and is alternately written as a juxtaposed combination of question and exclamation mark. It is used for questions such as "He did?!", "You what!?", and "Paul Lynde?!"

Mainly due to the ease with which one can simply type both punctuation marks, the interrobang is grossly underused. However, it does enjoy the status of being the best-known of the unknown innovative punctuation marks, unlike the doubt point (), irony mark (؟), indignation point (), certitude point (), authority point (), acclamation point () and love point ().

Our current set of punctuation marks, even with the above innovations, still has yet to cover the entire range of possibilities of tone and emotion in human speech. The exclamation point is well and good for indicating excitement, exuberance, or excessive joy. But what about emotions in the opposite direction? Upwards of 14 million Americans experience the symptoms of depression each year, and that's not even counting angsty teenagers. How can we ever hope to represent and respect the diversity in this country if we can't even cough up a punctuation mark for different groups?

For this reason, I suggest the desperation mark:

It is to be used for declarative statements which include either a lack of affect ("Sigh. Beans again.") or for intense despair, sadness, gloom, or woe ("I don't know how to go on with life.")

The desperation mark is modular, too! I present the interropang:

The interropang is meant to accompany sad or existential questions such as "Whatever shall we do?", "Why did he have to die?", or "Sigh. Beans again?" The resemblance of the interropang to that of a coathanger emphasizes that this mark is perfect for questions dealing with one's hang-ups.

I doubt these punctuation marks will ever see any use unless we get someone well-known to promote them. Does anyone happen to have Jonathan Frakes's cell phone number?