Needles to say

Dr. Vernod Jammenswythe of upstate Jamaica realized, through meta- and 'pata-analysis of drug testing studies over the past 130 years, part of the true cause behind the so-called "placebo effect": namely, that the sever short-term presence of metal in the human body was able to produce substantial emotional, physical, and psychological changes. In other words, the needles used to inject drugs (medical or illegal recreational) were what made the difference. Later investigation showed that the needles themselves release small particles (named metalloids, after their discoverer, Lloyd Yorkson) which attached to wishful thinking hormones (hopetrons) released by the brain. Based on the nature of the hopetron, the metalloids would morph into whatever was needed to achieve the result desired by the needle recipient--be it a change in mental state for druggies, or cures for diseased patients.

This led to a complete overhaul of drug companies and widespread demand for lower hospital bills. Ultimately, this meant that pharmaceuticals had less money to dump into advertising, which in turn left popular periodicals wondering what to do with the 20 extra pages per issue.

This day marks the publication of the original analysis by Dr. Jammenswythe in The Lancet, August 2084.