I think Jesus was messing with us

April 13, 2090: Neanderthals become extinct again

http://www.reason.com/news/show/131717.html

The road to cloning the first Neanderthal was a long and rocky one. First, there were the Christians, who had their hissy fit about scientists trying to play God. As fate would have it, they were all raptured in 2028 (2,000 years after the death of Christ, not his birth, DUH). A reporter who happened to be on the scene was able to ask Jesus a few questions before He left again, among them His opinion on the Neanderthal cloning issue. "Hey!" He responded, "I miss those little guys. Yeah, bring 'em back!"

Then, there was the major moral problem: should we bring a new species into a world with as many problems as this one has? We have enough trouble making sure all the humans here retain their basic rights--are we sure that we could offer them fully to a new species, one that we know nothing about?

By 2034, all human rights violations, genocides, wars, and variations on inequality in the world had come to an end. This came about due to the fact that everybody really wanted to see a live Neanderthal. Video footage of Jesus telling you to do something is very compelling.

It took a few tries to get them right. Initially, the plan was to use a female chimpanzee as the host for a Neanderthal DNA-inseminated egg. In fact, this produced perfectly healthy Neanderthal babies...which were invariably strangled to death by the chimp mothers immediately after being born. Strangely enough, the same thing happened with the first human test mothers to carry Neanderbabies to term (note to scientists: DO NOT USE SCHIZOPHRENICS AS TEST MOTHERS. BAD IDEA ALL AROUND).

The first Neanderthal baby was born on May 22, 2038, at a cost of 27 million Ameros. Marissa (the scientists wanted to call her "Nene"; stupid scientists) was healthy, progressed through grade school fairly uneventfully (she had a little trouble with math), went to a community college, and got a job working in an apartment rental office in Ames, Iowa. Though she had hundreds of suitors, it was Marissa's choice not to marry.

The case of Marissa seemed to work so well that plans were made to create an entire Neanderthal race of about 10,000 persons. These were done at a much lower unit price, totalling around $500 million in cost (note to scientists: Play God Wholesale!). This was in 2064.

The warning signs were minor and easily overlooked to begin with...not being able to keep secrets well...chewing on anything plastic...peeing in the corners. "Okay," we said, "they're a little unpredictable; they're just a little slower, we have to patience with them."

Then they reached their teenage years. Ripping off their clothes (and those of others) whenever they got emotional...chewing on human babies (never hard enough to break the skin, but still)...setting fire to any business with "soft" in its name. "It's a phase," we said. "Their hormones are just running wild because their pubertal stage lasts longer."

However, by the time that batch of 10,000 reached the age of 25, we realized the full extent of our mistake. The Neanderthal, it seems, is the quintessential annoying person. Hanging around after parties long after everyone else had left, farting in elevators, using a paper towel to open the bathroom door on their way out of public bathrooms and then dropping the paper towel on the floor, repeating that same stupid phrase that they find funny over and over again--LOUDLY--in restaurants, getting up 50 times during the course of a baseball game to go pee, chewing on ambulance tires, scratching themselves ALL THE TIME, trying to friend you on Facebook (still around!), even after you ignored the request a dozen times, listening to the hockey game on the radio in church (still around!), jaywalking, pissing on everything, writing bland sitcoms, instigating riots, taking two newspapers (still around!) from the box when they only paid for one, stealing wheelchairs from cripples, making prank phone calls, and the SMELL....

Humanity as a whole realized why the Neanderthal went extinct in the first place--they were just too much to deal with. Our ancestors simply neglected to tell us that they got rid of the original Neanderthals; they assumed (and with good reason) that they'd never come back.

On March 28, 2090, World Facilitator ("leader" was too loaded a word by then) Jacques Smith gave the imperative to the world: "Let's just fucking kill them already. I'm not even kidding."

It took until April 13 to root them all out. The last to go was Marissa, who we had all honestly forgotten about until then. We would have killed her too, except for the fact that we felt kind of guilty about doing it--she hadn't caused any problems herself. It turns out that she had been stifling her Neanderthal urges her entire life. In her case, this was fairly simple to do, because for the first part of her 52 years on Earth, there had been no other Neanderthals around to encourage her, or to go along with any crazy ideas she herself came up with. By the time any other Neanderthals were around, she had socialized and learned that her urges weren't how humans did things. We let her live (quote from World Facilitator Smith: "Yeah, okay, fine"), and made the decision to only have one Neanderthal on Earth at a time. This way, we still got the nostalgia factor of having a Neanderthal, as well as a reminder never to create them en masse again.

P.S. Boning a Neanderthal always results in a human baby, no matter what, so the one-at-a-time thing was a pretty foolproof plan. Except for the Neanderthals, you know, having to go through that "I'm the only one of me on the planet" brand of not fitting in. They all identified with Gonzo in Muppets from Space.

Juvenile Takeover

You often hear that how we treat the children around us is a crucial aspect of our existence. We must set a good example for them, raise them with good morals and hygienic habits, and make sure they never, ever see ta-tas, wee-wees or woo-woos until they're safely married, or better yet, dead. Children are the future of our world, right? Screw that! Children are NOW, man, like never before!

We've been gradually outsourcing key societal roles to our children (move over, India!): we can now look to kids for dating advice, fine art, and recipes. Perhaps we're all engaged in an aggregate form of sarcasm: we're all too willing to let childish people run our businesses, banks, and government, so why not go for the real thing?

I say we run with it. I know there's enough parents who think their kids are great enough to be the next Mozart, Tiger Woods, or Lil' Jordan. Let's get kids to give us advice and leadership in as many walks of life as possible. Here's a preview of the next few years' worth of contributions by America's New Youth.

Finances
Chas Greenfold, 7 will publish How to Fix the Economy So My Daddy Will Quit Drinking and Get Out of the House, including chapters titled:
"Clipping box tops"
"Picking up pennies off the ground"
"Just don't get bankrupt in the first place"
"If Dad won't give you $5, ask Mom"
"Secret places to hide your money even your sister can't find"


Education
Rachel Menkin, 6 publishes 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teachers.
Habit 1: No homework!
Habit 2: Don't make me and my friends sit on opposite sides of the room!
Habit 3: Don't pair me up with the grody boys for projects!
Habit 4: Please, no more frogs in science class!
Habit 5: Give us two naps a day!
Habit 6: Don't blame the victim (or, He started it!)
Habit 7: Don't tell my mom what I did, please!


Literature
Joey Longspoon, 9, becomes the greatest new artist/writer talent on the comics scene; his 20-volume epic manga, Superguy Ninja Pirates! is continuously reprinted until 2023. At the age of 11, he will publicly distance himself from the movie version, stating "There were twenty-five explosions in my book--the movie had only twenty."


Entertainment
Junie Johnhat, 8, will take over Leonard Maltin's position as America's leading film critic and historian. A few of her reviews:

Pink Panther 2: "Pink Panther wasn't even in the movie! Waaaah!"
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: "So cute! I give it all the stars!"
Friday the 13th: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: "Ugh. Only boys could like this one. No stars, 'cuz boys are dumb."

I was a Teenage Prophet

The Church of Scientology seems to be continually under fire these days--perhaps a symbolic precursor to the brimstone which many hope the church will be subjected to--and with good reason: there's a high amount of overlap between people who can afford to get their opinions broadcast to large audiences and people who can afford Scientology. We have to keep hearing about all the stupid stuff Scientology does because some celebrities keep yammering about it (now that the Nancy Cartwright robocalls are over, I'm hoping for one from Jenna Elfman doing the character Dharma). Which just reminds us that Scientology has broken into our government, charges big money for its teachings, and sells half-baked science-fiction as honest religion (I mean, Cleopatra 2525 was a way better story--even without the tits).

But let's not be too hard on them, okay? After all, the extensive defamation jobs they do on anybody who leaves/criticizes the church is nothing new--Scientology just happens to have much more money to do it with. Jehovah's Witnesses, for instance, practice "shunning", whereby church members refuse to have any contact with those who willfully leave the Witnesses.

These types of things are the mark of a religion entering its awkward teenage years, when members can be BPFs (best parishioners forever) one moment, and then be considered the most evil and base of people the next. Alliances change and shift on the basis of whatever hormone just got shot through the system.

The religion thinks that no one understands what it's going through, and that it knows better than the religions and institutions that have come before it (which function as parents and the establishment, the "Damnation Gap", if you will). It holes up in its room and doesn't want anyone knowing what it's doing in order to feel like it has achieved some semblance of independence. It pushes its parents' (society's) limits to see what it can get away with, breaking rules just to see what the punishment will be. Sometimes it gets its face all prettied up for the school dance in the form of celebrities, only to get a pimple the night before in the form of, say, Matt Lauer, or Oprah's couch.

Admittedly, older religions have some advantages. There aren't as thorough a record of their beginnings as there is with Scientology. But more than that, older religions have had time to reflect and figure out how the world works. Right now Scientology claims that medications and psychiatry are just so much bunk and hot air. Christianity, on the other hand, has been centuries in the process of accepting what science has to say (we were pretty embarrassed about that whole helio-centric thing). They've even learned to pray for their doctors, rather than plain not go to them.

Christianity had its go at excommunication, charging people to get into heaven, keeping its writings where only priests could read them, and a few wars. But it learned to adapt, it figured out that it couldn't get away with all that crap for very long. Something would always happen--losing a war, reformations, or sex scandals--to remind them that even if they weren't of this world, they were still in it and had to deal with it.

Scientology will be here for a little while--I mean, it's only an adolescent religion, right? It still has some rough times ahead. It has yet to go through its first break-up (I imagine someone big in the religion, say Tom Cruise, John Travolta, or maybe even Kirstie Alley leaving), suffering its first huge embarrassment (hard, concrete evidence on its practices being damaging to its members mental and/or physical health), or even getting its first job (being recognized as a legitimate religion in any country).

My guess they'll probably stay there, and Scientology will remain the asshole religion, stuck in its high-school brand back-biting and clique-ishness, forever telling its members that if they're really its friend, they'll give it another $10,000. It'll keep drawing attention to itself, talking about how great it is without ever doing a damn thing to prove it.

But maybe, just maybe, if they realize that honesty and openness are crucial for a successful religion, they'll grow up. They'll be willing to engage in open dialogue with other religions and disciplines, and have enough faith in their own beliefs to not worry about them being criticized. They'll have a high enough self-esteem to not talk trash about anyone who says something bad about them. They'll look at the yearbook of history and laugh at their pimples, their hairstyles, and the antics they got up to back in the day.

Maybe.

We're all in the same yacht

Yes, folks, we're in a recession. Don't believe it? Well, that's probably because you're as poor as the rest of us, and didn't have any money to lose in the first place (if you're really like us, you're also likely morally bankrupt, but that's a different story). Recessions are the toughest on those who actually have money to spend: the rich. We've surveyed the fattest cats in major US cities to find out how they are currently scaling back their lifestyles.

93% have decided on giving their mistress a simple Christmas card, as opposed to a diamond necklace

85% are now lighting their cigars with $10 bills, rather than $100s

72% will downgrade from a Bugatti to a Porsche for their next auto purchase in 2009

68% are letting go of their pet's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

50% are letting go of their child's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

47% are letting go of their own butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

44% are only using their private jet to fly out-of-state

39% have not purchased a senator or congressman this year

20% have had to outsource cooking their corporation's books to India

15% have lost a close relative due to not being able to pay off the Mafia

8% have resorted to selling lower-value assets (the Mercedes, winter homes in Geneva) on eBay

4% have resorted to selling their eBay stock

<1% (namely, Pierre Omidyar and John Donahoe) decided to raise eBay listing fees by 30%

Hottest Toys, Christmas 2008

Buy-Me Elmo

Tyco realized long ago that they could release any old Elmo doll, no matter the feature, and it would sell like hotcakes. This Elmo doll has a built-in credit card reader with a direct link to Tyco Toys headquarters. Your kids can have fun buying Elmo again...and again...and again!


Nora Helmer Doll House

Your child will think that this gift is the greatest Christmas miracle of all! With over 10 different character figures included, scenes from Henrik Ibsen's sensation landmark play can be faithfully recreated! Make Nora almost kill herself! Make Dr. Rank flirt with Nora! Make Krogstad blackmail Nora and Torvald! Or, your child can create her own scenarios, based on you and your spouse's empty facade of a marriage! Your child will imagine that the parent figures give their children expensive toys to distract them from the fact that they don't spend quality time together anymore because both parents have full-time jobs in addition to their own personal problems and all-around immaturity!


Walkin' Talkin' Charlie

Film and television star Charles Grodin is back! Walkin' Talkin' Charlie stands over 2 feet tall and comes to "life" with realistic sounds and motion! With nearly 80 sensory devices to enable sight, touch, and movement, Charlie explores and reacts to his environment, interacts with you, and expresses emotion. Touch Charlie's nose and he "sniffs" your hand! Tickle Charlie and he'll "laugh"! Set Charlie in front of the television while Letterman's on and he'll repeat one of 13 different insults! And Charlie doesn't only do what he's told--as your child interacts with Charlie, he'll develop his own personality! Your child will spend hours playing with Walkin' Talkin' Charlie--a toy so realistic even you'll mistake him for the neighbor's kid!


Baby Alive Learns to Party

This highly sexualized baby doll encourages destructive, degenerative role-play for future "divas"-in-training, while helping to teach children to make having a good time a higher priority than "responsibilities"! Baby Alive Learns to Party can realistically dance, binge, purge, and make passes at your child's other dolls! Give the doll a few uppers to "wake" her up, or downers to make her "sleep". And since she's probably overdosing, she'll let you know when she's done for the night--just hook her up to her stomach pump and she'll "detox". Doll comes with booze, smokes, a variety of colorful little pills, crotchless diapers, bib and package of wipes! Baby Alive Goes to Rehab playset sold separately.


Newscaster playset

All kids love to argue with and insult each other--why not give them a socially acceptable arena to do so within? This is a toy that the whole family will enjoy--children can become mini-pundits as they blindly parrot their parents' political views! Your child will quickly learn that public discourse isn't about learning, or collaborating to create feasible solutions for complex issues--it's about winning and calling the other person an idiot! Includes video camera, set of 32 cards with starter controversial topics like "Abortion", "Censorship" and "School Vouchers", collapsible newsdesk, and a miniature "Magic Wall"!

Movie Sequels we Don't Need

Still No Country for Old Men

Anton Chigurh is back again for some fun in the tropical sun! Chigurh is hired to track down and kill baby-faced drug runner Lafayette Hidalgo (Michael Cera), who has fled to the Bahamas with over $10 billion stolen from mob boss Man King (George Takei). Hidalgo is able to escape Chigurh's notice by falling in with a group of high school students on spring break, who are more than happy to help him spend his money! How many teenagers will fall to Chigurh's captive bolt pistol before he finds his target? Or will the party atmosphere of Nassau soften his hardened heart? Tommy Lee Jones reprises his role as Sheriff Ed Tom Bell.


Cloverfield 2: Dangerfield

The end of Cloverfield left the audience assuming the monster had died from the Hammerdown protocol. It turns out that the monster burrowed its way underground, ending up directly below a Los Angeles graveyard. Still pulsing with radiation from the military's nuclear attacks, the monster reanimates--and then fuses with--the corpse of Rodney Dangerfield. The monster now discovers new meaning for the term "No respect" with the military still hot on its tail! The monster befriends a blind little girl (Dakota Fanning) who helps to calm his rampaging urges--but is the change too little too late?


Mamma Mia II

Tension is high as Sophie and Sky get divorced and become embroiled in a long and drawn-out custody battle over their three children, Holly, Joel, and Carol. Rock out to brand-new tunes from the aging members of ABBA as old grudges and new secrets alike come to light. Things really heat up when Sam, Bill, and Harry, the erstwhile lovers of Sophie's mother Donna, return to reveal that they all have been having affairs with Sophie--and each demands custody of at least one child! Will all this be too much stress for Sophie's three children, who have been practicing their act as Holly and the Hellcats for the upcoming Battle of the Bands?


Charlie Wilson's Holocaust

Tom Hanks reprises his role as Charlie Wilson in this political sci-fi thriller with mile-a-minute laughs! Charlie teams up with sexy-yet-bumbling scientist Verna Daem (Laura San Giacomo) to travel back in time for the ultimate covert operation: assassinating Hitler and taking out the entire SS! The assassination seems to be a success--until their return to the present reveals that the world is now overrun by Jews! Not only that, it turns out that Daem is a descendant of the Führer himself. It's a race against time as the unlikely duo try to get history back on course before Daem disappears completely! Don't pass over this summer blockbuster!


Da Vinci Code 2

Tom Hanks reprises his role as Robert Langdon in this religious sci-fi thriller with mile-a-minute laughs! Charlie teams up again with sexy sidekick Sophie Neveu (Audrey Tautou) to travel back in time for their biggest adventure yet. Leigh Teabing is back with a vengeance, and travels back in time for an assassination attempt on Jesus Christ himself! It's a race against time as the unlikely duo try to get history back on course before Neveu (a descendant of Jesus) disappears completely!

Conspiracy Theories You Never Hear About

Life's a Beachy

The Amish are trying to take over the world's political and economic power. The money they have saved by not using electricity has given them the funds to buy majority stock in most major international businesses. Most politicians are in the pocket of Big Amish as well. Look forward to the 2009 fall fashions including the return of the calf-length solid-color dress, suspenders, bonnets, and straw hats--but no buttons.

Paulbearers

The "Paul is Dead" theory, referring to the idea that Paul McCartney of the Beatles died in 1966, was created solely to cover up the fact that Paul Newman died in 1966, and was quickly replaced by a perfectly-crafted robot clone. The Beatles, being much more popular than Newman at the time, were able to draw focus away from the clues sprinkled throughout Newman's films after 1967. "Cool Hand Luke" is a reference to the fact that Paul's hands were now made of cold steel; "The Towering Inferno" is a clue to how Paul Newman died (in a studio fire while filming "Hombre"). Lastly, "The Sting", a movie about con men, was a highly complex way of telling audiences that they had been conned into believing that Paul Newman was still alive.

Put a tank in your tiger

The government (not the one you're thinking of, though) has a plan to create machine/animal chimeras for the purpose of individual travel. These chimeras would be rely far less on fossil fuels, and their exhaust would function primarily as fertilizer. Automakers have been slowly easing us into this next step in a number of ways. First, the term "hybrid" has become more common regarding automobiles. Secondly, the move from fossil fuels (dead material) to biofuels (material which was recently alive) is believed to ease us into using live animals, the idea being that one form of life is much like another. Lastly, and most importantly, this explains the presence of animal names for car models, such as Taurus, Impala, Ram, Thunderbird, Jaguar, Skyhawk, Wildcat, Viper, Kodiak, and Falcon (and, to a lesser extent, referring to Harley motorcycles as "hogs").

Fooled Jew!

The Jews are actually the Amish in disguise. Didn't the beards and praying tip you off?