We're all in the same yacht

Yes, folks, we're in a recession. Don't believe it? Well, that's probably because you're as poor as the rest of us, and didn't have any money to lose in the first place (if you're really like us, you're also likely morally bankrupt, but that's a different story). Recessions are the toughest on those who actually have money to spend: the rich. We've surveyed the fattest cats in major US cities to find out how they are currently scaling back their lifestyles.

93% have decided on giving their mistress a simple Christmas card, as opposed to a diamond necklace

85% are now lighting their cigars with $10 bills, rather than $100s

72% will downgrade from a Bugatti to a Porsche for their next auto purchase in 2009

68% are letting go of their pet's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

50% are letting go of their child's butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

47% are letting go of their own butler/maid/personal trainer/life coach

44% are only using their private jet to fly out-of-state

39% have not purchased a senator or congressman this year

20% have had to outsource cooking their corporation's books to India

15% have lost a close relative due to not being able to pay off the Mafia

8% have resorted to selling lower-value assets (the Mercedes, winter homes in Geneva) on eBay

4% have resorted to selling their eBay stock

<1% (namely, Pierre Omidyar and John Donahoe) decided to raise eBay listing fees by 30%

Hottest Toys, Christmas 2008

Buy-Me Elmo

Tyco realized long ago that they could release any old Elmo doll, no matter the feature, and it would sell like hotcakes. This Elmo doll has a built-in credit card reader with a direct link to Tyco Toys headquarters. Your kids can have fun buying Elmo again...and again...and again!


Nora Helmer Doll House

Your child will think that this gift is the greatest Christmas miracle of all! With over 10 different character figures included, scenes from Henrik Ibsen's sensation landmark play can be faithfully recreated! Make Nora almost kill herself! Make Dr. Rank flirt with Nora! Make Krogstad blackmail Nora and Torvald! Or, your child can create her own scenarios, based on you and your spouse's empty facade of a marriage! Your child will imagine that the parent figures give their children expensive toys to distract them from the fact that they don't spend quality time together anymore because both parents have full-time jobs in addition to their own personal problems and all-around immaturity!


Walkin' Talkin' Charlie

Film and television star Charles Grodin is back! Walkin' Talkin' Charlie stands over 2 feet tall and comes to "life" with realistic sounds and motion! With nearly 80 sensory devices to enable sight, touch, and movement, Charlie explores and reacts to his environment, interacts with you, and expresses emotion. Touch Charlie's nose and he "sniffs" your hand! Tickle Charlie and he'll "laugh"! Set Charlie in front of the television while Letterman's on and he'll repeat one of 13 different insults! And Charlie doesn't only do what he's told--as your child interacts with Charlie, he'll develop his own personality! Your child will spend hours playing with Walkin' Talkin' Charlie--a toy so realistic even you'll mistake him for the neighbor's kid!


Baby Alive Learns to Party

This highly sexualized baby doll encourages destructive, degenerative role-play for future "divas"-in-training, while helping to teach children to make having a good time a higher priority than "responsibilities"! Baby Alive Learns to Party can realistically dance, binge, purge, and make passes at your child's other dolls! Give the doll a few uppers to "wake" her up, or downers to make her "sleep". And since she's probably overdosing, she'll let you know when she's done for the night--just hook her up to her stomach pump and she'll "detox". Doll comes with booze, smokes, a variety of colorful little pills, crotchless diapers, bib and package of wipes! Baby Alive Goes to Rehab playset sold separately.


Newscaster playset

All kids love to argue with and insult each other--why not give them a socially acceptable arena to do so within? This is a toy that the whole family will enjoy--children can become mini-pundits as they blindly parrot their parents' political views! Your child will quickly learn that public discourse isn't about learning, or collaborating to create feasible solutions for complex issues--it's about winning and calling the other person an idiot! Includes video camera, set of 32 cards with starter controversial topics like "Abortion", "Censorship" and "School Vouchers", collapsible newsdesk, and a miniature "Magic Wall"!