Global warming thawed their icy hearts
It wasn't until the year 2056 that Republicans started recognizing the true threat of global warming and teamed up, bi-partisan style, with Democrats to do something about it. What caused the change of heart? Were the Republicans afraid that eventually, enough lakes would dry up that police would start finding the bodies? Was it all of the ex-politicians running ice cream conglomerates realizing that it cost more and more every year to secure and maintain stores of quality ices? No. Rather, it was a landmark study in 2055 (funded in secret by Al Gore's brain imprint, saved on a bio-harddrive in Burbank, CA) which indicated a correlation over time between increases in world temperatures and increases in gay marriage, abortions, and favorable opinions toward socialized medicine.
It wasn't long before every major city had its own fully-realized transit system, huge tax breaks were given for purchasing bicycles, higher taxes were levied on the purchase of automobiles, stricter policies for emissions sprang into existence across the board, and cows were put on better diets.
Interestingly enough, by the turn of the 22nd Century, scientists reported that while global temperatures had returned to pre-20th Century levels, many of the world's glaciers were still receding at an alarming rate. Further investigation finally led authorities to a grassy meadow in the middle of the Alaska Range, where Harvey Kvelden had lived in a one-room cabin for the past 60 years. He was found 10 miles from his cabin, standing atop a glacier, wielding a flamethrower, screaming, "Not today, sweetcheeks!"
Some scholars claim that the change of Republican heart wasn't as much of a revolution as many claim it to have been. They cite a policy change from 2034, when the Republicans fully backed moving away from oil as a fuel source for automobiles; this happened, unsurprisingly, after it became known that oil reserves worldwide had reached the point of being so low that they could not support both the American public's travel needs and tractor pulls at state fairs.
Debates aside, facing global warming and making changes to counteract it were a monumental achievement of the 21st Century. As pollution gradually decreased, we were able to see the skies much better, and were able to see the meteors in enough time to evacuate the state of Vermont.
It wasn't long before every major city had its own fully-realized transit system, huge tax breaks were given for purchasing bicycles, higher taxes were levied on the purchase of automobiles, stricter policies for emissions sprang into existence across the board, and cows were put on better diets.
Interestingly enough, by the turn of the 22nd Century, scientists reported that while global temperatures had returned to pre-20th Century levels, many of the world's glaciers were still receding at an alarming rate. Further investigation finally led authorities to a grassy meadow in the middle of the Alaska Range, where Harvey Kvelden had lived in a one-room cabin for the past 60 years. He was found 10 miles from his cabin, standing atop a glacier, wielding a flamethrower, screaming, "Not today, sweetcheeks!"
Some scholars claim that the change of Republican heart wasn't as much of a revolution as many claim it to have been. They cite a policy change from 2034, when the Republicans fully backed moving away from oil as a fuel source for automobiles; this happened, unsurprisingly, after it became known that oil reserves worldwide had reached the point of being so low that they could not support both the American public's travel needs and tractor pulls at state fairs.
Debates aside, facing global warming and making changes to counteract it were a monumental achievement of the 21st Century. As pollution gradually decreased, we were able to see the skies much better, and were able to see the meteors in enough time to evacuate the state of Vermont.
posted by Casey at
12/01/2007 06:36:00 PM
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